Couching...down....
A bit shocked that it's been a month. I thought about keeping a diary, but kept forgetting. So... here are a few snippets of what I did manage to jot down.
Ooh, it was really good! Found it very easy just to lie there and say nothing! (which I did for ages). Then I said, "Er, should I be saying something?" "To please me?" … Decided it's the 'being bold' bit in between doing something and doing nothing that I find hard. I was very surprised how hard it was to actually speak - I'd have something on my mind but it was hard to get it out there. My stomach was making the most peculiar noises!
A difficult session... Why do i talk about the past not the present? Is it difficult because she doesn't tell me how she feels? Are my thoughts too difficult to articulate? Am I scared she'll ill-treat me? Answer: I really don't know! I no longer even know what on earth I should say, even vaguely what realm my thoughts/words should be from. (“Do you feel you're expected to say something in particular?” arrgghh)
Quite interesting, she noted that we'd got into the habit of me waiting for her to break the silence! Went on about my past therapy and why now I've pushed my problems away from my mind. Talked quite a lot, but she still thinks I think it's all “bizarre” and am cynical.
She's bloody obsessed with me missing the next session. I thought I was doing well as I was talking about the stuff continued over from yesterday, then she asked me if the reason I wasn't focussing (but I thought I was!!) was because I didn't want to start anything due to missing the next session. Also, maybe when I laugh it's to hide the negative thoughts I have about her. Huh?? Maybe I just go along with what she's saying and by missing the next session it's my way of saying “sod you”... Apparently yesterday I seemed shocked when the session came to an end.
I mainly just went on about playing the violin - she didn't seem very interested. Although, she was by my being riled by the pensions adviser for calling me “cautious”! Why do I fear people seeing me as cautious? Do I fear her seeing me as vulnerable? (maybe). Do I feel I'm missing out on things if people think I'm cautious? (yup). She seemed rather miserable yesterday and today when she opened the door - she usually beams at me. At last a sign of life in her house - could smell toast!!
Ooh, it was really good! Found it very easy just to lie there and say nothing! (which I did for ages). Then I said, "Er, should I be saying something?" "To please me?" … Decided it's the 'being bold' bit in between doing something and doing nothing that I find hard. I was very surprised how hard it was to actually speak - I'd have something on my mind but it was hard to get it out there. My stomach was making the most peculiar noises!
A difficult session... Why do i talk about the past not the present? Is it difficult because she doesn't tell me how she feels? Are my thoughts too difficult to articulate? Am I scared she'll ill-treat me? Answer: I really don't know! I no longer even know what on earth I should say, even vaguely what realm my thoughts/words should be from. (“Do you feel you're expected to say something in particular?” arrgghh)
Quite interesting, she noted that we'd got into the habit of me waiting for her to break the silence! Went on about my past therapy and why now I've pushed my problems away from my mind. Talked quite a lot, but she still thinks I think it's all “bizarre” and am cynical.
She's bloody obsessed with me missing the next session. I thought I was doing well as I was talking about the stuff continued over from yesterday, then she asked me if the reason I wasn't focussing (but I thought I was!!) was because I didn't want to start anything due to missing the next session. Also, maybe when I laugh it's to hide the negative thoughts I have about her. Huh?? Maybe I just go along with what she's saying and by missing the next session it's my way of saying “sod you”... Apparently yesterday I seemed shocked when the session came to an end.
I mainly just went on about playing the violin - she didn't seem very interested. Although, she was by my being riled by the pensions adviser for calling me “cautious”! Why do I fear people seeing me as cautious? Do I fear her seeing me as vulnerable? (maybe). Do I feel I'm missing out on things if people think I'm cautious? (yup). She seemed rather miserable yesterday and today when she opened the door - she usually beams at me. At last a sign of life in her house - could smell toast!!
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