Therapissed
I know I know - it's been ages since I last posted anything here. Not least my ther-ap-E gubbins. So here it is... roll up, roll up.
Talked about whether being wihdrawn makes me laugh or cry (both both both! surely?) It's made me look at it a different way: as some concrete thing that's not my default way of being.
Today I said that I'm sometimes overcome with hate (she changed it to 'overwhelmed with anger' - which might be better) which then prevents me from thinking/speaking/etc. I suppose I do get a wave of a strong feeling which knocks out other things (that are rather important). Don't know where we go from here though.
There have been a few moments which felt significant but I don't really know what to do with them (just me bursting out laughing, unable to stop for ages when she's said something). The worst was after she suggested that the reason I don't speak much is because I don't want to speak to some people - just couldn't stop laughing, scary.
I tried to go along with the 'drifting' (instead of preparing something to say) but it ended up with me not being able to think /speak! So she had to start off...! (along the lines of I can't think because I'm avoiding thinking). Ended up talking about ballet (!!) - I said I felt I needed to be more disciplined so I could talk more readily at the beginning and this made me think of ballet dancers practicing (in a 'being disciplined' kind of way).
Someone knocked at the door in the middle of the session!! It rather startled me, but she said, very coolly, 'I'm not expecting anyone' and ignored it!! Just went on about the latter part of my time oop norf when I lost faith in my former ideals. Don't think she was very interested, but then we talked about how I feel I should have sorted myself out years ago by myself... (as some of me old chums have managed) - although they probably had something different to me. She seemed to suggest that I should just go with the flow there and not speaking/thinking is just as useful as speaking. Hmmmm. (but then there's just silence for ages and ages)
"So, when you're not here you blank me out?" Arghhh! er no, just on my way here! I'm thinking about the time and 'severe delays' on the tube instead ACTUALLY. For some reason her saying that has really rattled me. Talked about how to choose what to say at the beginning, she was linking it to part of me not wanting to participate and therefore putting all its energy stopping me thinking/speaking. Also told her about when I was an office-based volunteer and I used to become incredibly bleary eyed and out of it. It made me think that being alone in an office and reading documents isn't for me. Her: "Maybe that's how you feel about here - you're alone in this room and part of you is thinking it isn't for you?"
15 minutes late!! - tube delays!! Had to ring up en route - got her answerphone (typical!). Still, being in a tizz meant I got going in the session quick. It was just about how currently I think I'm extra anxious - counting a lot more than usual and my ibs has gone mad. Although I must say she couldn't remember some of the details from the rituals we talked about last week… She was going on about how I think I have to solve everything by myself... even though I've got her to help me... Also, talked about my rules - how they're stopping me from being more free. Could have done with more time! (she didn't add any extra on!!)
Talked about whether being wihdrawn makes me laugh or cry (both both both! surely?) It's made me look at it a different way: as some concrete thing that's not my default way of being.
Today I said that I'm sometimes overcome with hate (she changed it to 'overwhelmed with anger' - which might be better) which then prevents me from thinking/speaking/etc. I suppose I do get a wave of a strong feeling which knocks out other things (that are rather important). Don't know where we go from here though.
There have been a few moments which felt significant but I don't really know what to do with them (just me bursting out laughing, unable to stop for ages when she's said something). The worst was after she suggested that the reason I don't speak much is because I don't want to speak to some people - just couldn't stop laughing, scary.
I tried to go along with the 'drifting' (instead of preparing something to say) but it ended up with me not being able to think /speak! So she had to start off...! (along the lines of I can't think because I'm avoiding thinking). Ended up talking about ballet (!!) - I said I felt I needed to be more disciplined so I could talk more readily at the beginning and this made me think of ballet dancers practicing (in a 'being disciplined' kind of way).
Someone knocked at the door in the middle of the session!! It rather startled me, but she said, very coolly, 'I'm not expecting anyone' and ignored it!! Just went on about the latter part of my time oop norf when I lost faith in my former ideals. Don't think she was very interested, but then we talked about how I feel I should have sorted myself out years ago by myself... (as some of me old chums have managed) - although they probably had something different to me. She seemed to suggest that I should just go with the flow there and not speaking/thinking is just as useful as speaking. Hmmmm. (but then there's just silence for ages and ages)
"So, when you're not here you blank me out?" Arghhh! er no, just on my way here! I'm thinking about the time and 'severe delays' on the tube instead ACTUALLY. For some reason her saying that has really rattled me. Talked about how to choose what to say at the beginning, she was linking it to part of me not wanting to participate and therefore putting all its energy stopping me thinking/speaking. Also told her about when I was an office-based volunteer and I used to become incredibly bleary eyed and out of it. It made me think that being alone in an office and reading documents isn't for me. Her: "Maybe that's how you feel about here - you're alone in this room and part of you is thinking it isn't for you?"
15 minutes late!! - tube delays!! Had to ring up en route - got her answerphone (typical!). Still, being in a tizz meant I got going in the session quick. It was just about how currently I think I'm extra anxious - counting a lot more than usual and my ibs has gone mad. Although I must say she couldn't remember some of the details from the rituals we talked about last week… She was going on about how I think I have to solve everything by myself... even though I've got her to help me... Also, talked about my rules - how they're stopping me from being more free. Could have done with more time! (she didn't add any extra on!!)
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